The Journal of a Busy Mother

The importance of Boundaries

Boundaries. Have we heard of them? Perhaps. Are we utilizing them? Not always. Should we? A 1000% yes!! We may have heard time and time again that we need to strengthen our boundaries, with work, family, friends, study. Whatever commitments you have made boundaries need to be upheld. So why then do we struggle with them? We know we need them, so why do we betray ourselves and fall into our people pleasing tendencies? Perhaps as mothers it is expected of us? Or maybe it is because we don’t want to appear as if one more task is enough to send us into a meltdown. Afterall, we must appear to be superhuman! I now refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser! I love to help and be a source of support but if it costs me my mental health I just say “pfff no thanks, not what I will be signing up for!” At first it felt cold and uncaring, I based my whole personality around giving and doing things for others. It wasn’t until my therapist said, “Where are you in all of this?” BANG. I was floored. Why had I not thought of that before, I treated myself like an afterthought. Of course, nothing happens overnight; but it was there and then I said to myself “right I am going to do a better job of looking after myself”. And it is a commitment I stand by to this very day. I like so many others learned this the hard way. When my daughter was born, I went back to college SIX weeks after having her. My labour, which should have been straight forward enough, very almost ended in an emergency c-section. I was adamant to be back up and running to see out the rest of my studies. I had something to prove to myself; in the past I had a habit of starting something and not seeing it all the way through. I made a point out of not doing that this time. But it cost me. I knew I couldn’t go back to the gym until at least 8 weeks postpartum. College? Well, I imposed no such rule. Did I struggle? ABSOLUTELY! It was a particularly demanding year, essays, presentations (whilst sleep deprived!) client hours, endless amount of paperwork. I remember feeling so exhausted I felt like I was having an outer body experience. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I was drained. You often hear people say, “I can’t be in two places at once” and this is what I was expecting of myself. Crazy when you think of it.  Was it worth it? In parts yes, I got my degree. Would I do it again, hell no. I lacked boundaries then; I also lacked a lot of selfcare. You hear a lot how motherhood changes YOU but nothing about the juggling act that you experience when trying to do other things outside of motherhood. It was a blur and no real way to live. If I could go back and change one thing it would be to give myself more time. And that is exactly what boundaries do, it gives you more time. You can only do what you can do. Will it rub people the wrong way, perhaps but that is not for you to worry about, you can politely state that you can get around to them when you have a minute. This is in case of family or colleagues, you may need to change your approach when it comes to your boss! If for instance you were hired to answer calls, then that’s what you do, if someone tries to get you to do their work then politely turn it down. Stress is an underlining illness that does not need to be a hallmark to your success. Boundaries. They are important in every aspect of life. And the answer to most of our daily stressors. Have a fussy friend – boundaries. Have a self- centred colleague? Boundaries. If you don’t take care of you how else will things get done? Boundaries is a form of selfcare. Yes, it may be new and uncomfortable. But you must get comfortable being uncomfortable. And I am someone that is also guilty of this, when you breach your boundaries, you will know. It is like your body knows. Listen. Slow down. Set your boundaries. Sit with the discomfort and more importantly, breathe. You are worth the time and effort you put into everyone and everything else. Until next time – Mind You. Laura X