The Journal of a Busy Mother 

Expectation’s As Mothers

As you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my articles to include ALL mothers. Something did not feel right targeting working mothers—seen as all mothers are working mothers.

In this month’s blog post, I would like to talk about expectations. We all have them, whether with ourselves or others. So today, I want to focus on the expectations mothers place on themselves.

It is no secret that women, particularly mothers, carry the mental and emotional load when it comes to family. We are seen as a force to be reckoned with. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” comes to mind here. I am not throwing shade when I say that—it’s fact, biologically speaking. It’s how we are wired.

What can get lost in translation is that mothers are HUMAN.

Traditionally, we are the multitaskers, the homemakers, teachers, and doctors to our family. Nowadays, mothers look for more fulfilment outside of the home. Not that child-rearing isn’t a gift and a blessing, but our ambitions don’t just stop after having kids. It’s nice to aspire, have goals, chase dreams. A woman’s identity isn’t solely wrapped up in her kids. A wildly bold statement to make in this current landscape.

With power comes great responsibility. A mother that wants to create a fulfilling life—both within and outside the home—risks running her energy into the ground. I can most certainly relate to this. I placed so many expectations on myself in earlier years that I raised the bar to an incredible height and never really gave myself a chance.

Why? To prove I can do it all, when, in fact, that’s a fallacy.

And that, right there, is the mindset that needed adjustment.

Why did I place such pressure on myself?

And when we tell women they can have it all, what are we referring to?

It’s embedded in our psyche that for us to have the life we dream of, we must work extra hard. But that’s a topic for another day!

I am merely provoking thoughts and feelings around expectations, how and why we go above and beyond. Mothers are so guilty of going until we drop. We forget that Rome wasn’t built in a day. We have these superhuman expectations, all too consuming perfectionism, that can have us in a headlock. It drives this urge of wanting to get it all done now and not a minute later. Is it a wonder that when we feel low on energy, we are like zombies come evening time?

When well-intentioned friends and family suggest YOU time, but all you hear is “yet another thing to add to the ever growing To Do list”.

Catch 22, isn’t it?

You know it’s what you need, but struggle to get your head around how to fit it in with all the other jobs.

It’s exhausting just thinking about it!

But what if I told you to plan ahead and designate one day a week to do particular jobs and errands? If you are in a full-time position, perhaps the weekend would suit best.

For example, laundry—the most annoying chore of all (I personally dread the laundry!). Choose a day or an evening that you can get this done.

With the cost of living going up this is a smart move in saving a few quid!

Where did this ideology come from that we must do all the household duties in one day whilst looking after kids?

Talk about burnout.

I think it’s fair to say that most of us mothers don’t wish to be this way, and when met with other mother’s experience of the same, it acts as a permission slip to slow down, pace ourselves. We genuinely need to hear other mothers share their own experience of exhaustion before we allow ourselves to breathe.

Take one step at a time.

If you are a new mother who is afraid to share her thoughts or uncertain of how she feels underneath it all—here is your permission slip.

Its ok to make mistakes.

Its ok to not know what you are doing.

It will and does work out. Our motherly instincts are a gift.

When I became a mother, I felt confused by the ideology that every problem a child encounters is down to the mother—even during pregnancy. The mother shaming starts as early as then. Your whole being is questioned when you make one decision over another. It’s as if you are suddenly incapable of deciding things. That always baffled me. Of course, studying psychotherapy helped inform me that parenting children is a team effort.  It’s a modern world and fathers have an equal role in parental duties. And what’s more is they are all for it. Gone are the days (for some at least) where the mother is expected to carry the load by herself.

It is true that we are inherently known for being the caretakers. And let’s face it, most of us thrive under that label. It gives us a purpose, a sense of direction and a fundamental role in society.

If you are to take away anything from this article, let it be this…

Notice how you feel when giving your energy to something like cooking dinner. Are you in autopilot? Do you like cooking dinner? Or are you secretly resentful of the fact that it’s on you to decide who eats what and when?

That is just an example, but there might be other areas where these feelings arise.

Pay attention to where your energy goes. The body tells all. Notice your thoughts also, the “should” and “shouldn’t”. All of these are little signposts that indicate what you need more or less of.

And above all else, give yourself permission to breathe. Don’t wait until you reach burnout to take a break. Break down your jobs, errands, responsibilities, give them a date and time of when they will be done, and stick to it.

For now, I hope you all enjoyed spooky season. I hope your kiddos had a great time trick or treating. Wonderful to see that is back to normal for them.

Until next time.

Mind You.

Laura

xx